Near Death Forgiveness

There is no doubt that the weather around the world has been quite a challenge for some. The blistery cold has made it unbearable. The Colorado weather however doesn’t get as nasty as some places, except for last week. The zero below cold snap usually lasts for a week or two, and passes through a couple of times during the winter months. This last visit from Mister Zero Below got the best of me. It seemed like no matter what I did, I just couldn’t get warm and to make matters worse, my head felt like a block of ice. The cold dry air nestled into my forehead producing a discomforting sinus headache. With no success from sinus relief meds, I decided to use a gift I received a few Christmas’s ago. I placed my anti-stress pillow in the microwave to heat up the multitude of injected lavender and chamomile beads. I proceeded to lie on my bed and placed the pillow over my forehead. Within moments, I could feel the warmth seep into my chilled skin. Finally the burning sensation throughout the bridge of my nose and tension in my forehead began to dissipate. All of my stress slowly dissolved as the warmth flowed through my body and I peacefully drifted off to sleep.
I found myself at the bottom of the steps, exiting a subway station. I knew I was home. I was born in New York and only lived there until my early teens, but no matter what, New York has always held a special place in my heart. I reached the street and looked up at a water color grey sky. The streets looked familiar as if I had been there before, yet couldn’t remember. I turned to look down one side of the street and then the other and realized that the only colors I could see were that of black and white. The environment mimicked the same look of old family photos taken so long ago. Grey sidewalks lined the streets for what appeared as forever and the brick buildings with shops on the ground level, varied in lighter to darker hues of grey and sometimes black. The windows were dusty and fogged as if they had never been cleaned. Cars dotted the streets circa the nineteen fifties. I couldn’t remove the overwhelming sense of loneliness which engulfed my being. The streets were barren of life. I knew I had to move on since the entry to the subway changed into a black abyss. I wasn’t frightened, just perplexed as to what I should do next. Out of my peripheral vision, a form appeared on the sooty sidewalk in front of my feet. I looked down and there were men shoe prints staring up at me. I placed my feet over them and as I did, more appeared guiding me to my destination. I walked for many blocks and passed empty mom and pop shops from delis to clothing stores which at one time, were filled with bustling life. “How sad” I thought. Continuing on, I viewed the landscape scarred by graffiti. I weaved in and out of rusted tables to sell souvenirs and hot dog carts, propped on three wheels. As I looked above, dirty silvery trains remained perched on the overhead subway platforms. Along my travel, a thick warm and humid gust of wind blew against me. It was then all at once, the prints ceased to go on. I could not proceed, for I felt an invisible wall stopping me. I turned to my left and looked up to see the marquee of a business. I stopped in front of a barber shop. Nervousness and anger arose as I stood there, knowing where I was in the Bronx. Stress was enveloping my being and sensing I needed to get a grip, I whispered to myself, relax. Not sure if I should go in, I walked up to the window stalling my encounter and wiped away a small circle of dust to see inside. The shop was small with only two barber chairs and two guest chairs. The paint that was once colored white had been chipped off of the walls in large patches. Broken picture frames hung sideways and cobwebs dangled from light fixtures. The barber chairs were tattered and worn. Cracked salon mirrors were hazy, while scattered newspapers blanketed the floor. A strange tall figure sat in the corner draped in a long hooded light grey cape. The face, hands and feet were unattainable. All I could see in the pocket of the hood was a faint colored mist of pink, bordered in turquois. It was so refreshing to see different colors. A man walked over to one of the barber chairs and pretentiously stood there waiting for me to come in and have a seat.
This man was someone I never knew and was always longing to meet, because I lived in constant curiosity of him. At times I wondered what he was doing. Did he ever think of me? What did I do to make him not love me? I wondered what it would be like just to see him once. I always wanted to ask him questions upon questions and in between everything I wanted, I loathed him all of my life.
Now, I was going to walk through the door to meet my father for the very first time. When I opened the door, a little tarnished bell rang with a dull chime. The atmosphere felt suffocating, like a room sealed off from any fresh air in a very long time. As I closed the door behind me, my father turned to greet me and said “Please, come in and sit down.” He gestured, and rested his hand on the rickety old chair. I stared at the man who I only knew through pictures and stories, from various family members. He was not at all the tall, clean cut handsome young man with a charismatic smile. His stature remained somewhat lanky, but his white shirt and black slacks were wrinkled and frayed. His shoes were old and scuffed, with shoe laces at different lengths. His pencil thin mustache could hardly be distinguished from the scruff of his beard and his short haircut could not mask more white hair than black. This was not the man I stared at when I was growing up and poring over photo albums. It was not the man who everyone explained to me was impeccable in his grooming, automobile and demanding in the household. Was I about to see the ruthless, vicious man whose anger was capable of causing bones to rattle from fear? As I continued to stare, his weathered appearance could not hide who he really was. I approached slowly and sat down. The chair squealed sharply and caused me to jump. My father placed his hand on my shoulder and said “Don’t be afraid, I promise you, you are safe.” I tried to sit still, as I felt a rush of good and bad deep emotions. He continued to place both hands on my shoulders and stated “I understand you have been having some horrible headaches.” I wanted to say “If you only knew.” but answered with a “Yes.” “May I can help you with your headaches?” he asked. I became impatient and wanted to roll up my sleeves and kick some ass. “Look, I don’t have a headache right now and I need to settle some things with you!” I exclaimed. He remained calm and focused. “I understand” was his response. He reached to open a draw of his barber shop stand and pulled out a brilliantly glowing gold hand towel. He folded it in three and rested it upon my neck. The temped, soft material released comfort through my body. He walked in front of me and dragged a small stool over to him, sat down and began the conversation.
“I am glad we finally have a chance to meet. I know you have much to convey and so do I. This is not going to be easy for either of us. I can only hope that we both can receive greater understanding and grow for the better.” He solemnly said in a low soft voice. His compassionate tone ignited my anger and it got the best of me. I blurted out “How dare you! Are you out of your frigging celestial mind? I am supposed to understand how a father can abandon his children. Never once wondering if we were alive or dead! You never cared about the welfare of me or my brother and sister. You never cared about us in the least! You’re a f***g coward!” I was ready to engage in war at that point. He sat witnessing the rage he fueled and knew he couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t help myself but to continue to rant on “You enjoyed sleeping around with your lot of woman and then when it was time to stand up to your responsibility, you came to the conclusion that you couldn’t be inconvenienced. You were a narcissistic son of bitch! How does a parent throw their children away, huh? You ripped a hole in my brother’s and sister’s heart and crushed my soul! Yes, I was told it was better that you left, but never once reaching out as a man would do? You weren’t a man; you were just a lousy stinking coward!” I was exasperated and winded which caused me to sit back in my seat. In the brief moment of silence, I slowly asked “What do you want from me? This was your idea, not mine.” I shook my head demonstrating “no” and said “I have nothing of value to offer you, dad.”
He sat quietly while his grief produced tiny wrinkled slivers throughout his face. He tapped his fingers against each other and glanced at the strange figure in the corner of the room. He then refocused on me and said “You are right, I can’t defend myself, nor do I wish to.” I commented in a cocky tone “Well, isn’t that big of you.” “No, it is not” he added. “It is not even equivalent to one of your tear drops.” I fought to give him my attention. “What I did was incomprehensible and from that you acquired burdens, heartache, and self hatred. You believed if I didn’t love you, than you were not worthy of love.” Rage still simmered in me and I asked “So now you are the almighty scholar?” “I am far, far, from almighty, but I have come to see and understand many things, and yet have so much more to understand.” he confessed. It took all I had not to tell him to “shove it and go f*** himself” and walk out. Instead I spat in his face, ripped the golden towel from my neck, wiped my mouth and threw it at him. I placed my foot on the floor and he turned back to the hooded stranger and I heard from the stranger “Elena, please stay and listen.” I looked at him with shear disdain and said “I have greater satisfaction spitting on you, rather than peeing on your grave in fantasy! I scooted back in the seat and gave my father an uncomfortable benefit of the doubt.
“We all participate and accept the design of our physical being and its story. Many of us deviate from the design horrifically, which does not serve us well and in the process we bruise the souls of others in varying degrees. I have done so. I cannot tell you why I chose to make the decisions that I did, because I have yet to understand my being’s purpose. I not only abandoned you and your siblings, but I abandoned my soul. I abandoned love. I can tell you that in my physical state, I had hatred and my angered ego wanted to inflict the pain that it was going through. There are no excuses. That is what it is. You too have deviated from your design.” At that moment I began to fume at the accusations I thought I was going to hear. Again I heard the stranger’s voice telling me to wait. “You deviated in many ways which brought you extreme challenges, but you retained love. You let your challenges help you to grow and become a better person. That is what matters. Wrong upon wrong will never make right, but wrong with reflection can produce goodness. You have accomplished that in many ways.” “So what are you telling me? What? You’re pleased with me and that is supposed to make up for everything?” I asked snobbishly. I couldn’t believe he remained so calm and focused with my attitude. I was waiting for him to explode like a bomb and show his wrath, so I could show him mine. He didn’t. I could see him struggle, but he remained steadfast. “It wouldn’t matter if I told you I was pleased or proud of you. Do you know why? I gave in and asked “No, why?” “It’s only a fleeting moment of joy when someone tells you that they are proud of you, because you do not love your self.” I felt a sunken feeling in my stomach, if I had a stomach then. “You did not turn mean when you were hurt so bad that you could feel your soul cry.” At that point I knew he had seen my darkest moments. “Yes I have.” He answered me. I am now faced with viewing what I have done to the people I was designed to give to and receive love from. My challenge is to also understand forgiving myself. The environment that surrounds us, I designed for my actions. Forgiveness is easiest to be achieved in the physical realm. What I caused in your life, turned into the effect of your self punishment. If we only knew how powerful cause and effect truly is.” He gently shook his head and said “I am so sorry.” I could feel what I thought to be his heart breaking, and at that point, he told me it was my heartbreak I was feeling.
The room became deafeningly silent. His eyes stared into mine. I knew he wanted me to truly connect to everything he had to convey. Through the silence we began to be encapsulated in a sphere of a beautiful environment, sitting below an old oak tree, on a lush green lawn, with crystal blue skies. Birds softly flew onto the thick branches. My father appeared as the man from my photos, handsome, wearing a crisp white shirt and perfectly creased black pants. His shoes were shiny, displaying our reflections and he began again. “Elena, it is not unusual for us in the physical to react or perform in unfavorable ways. This happens when our personal anger is deeply rooted in the pain within us. The anger should be a sign we recognize as a need to heal our selves from personal trauma. In the physical, I purposely ignored my pain and saw nothing wrong with inflicting sorrow on others. It was a sick enjoyment. I have been given the grief and grace of seeing, feeling and hearing your life experiences from my actions. My grief is that you have made yourself accountable for my negligence. You wear responsibility and accountability like a suit of armor. Holding yourself accountable for my actions and blaming yourself for those who have severely mistreated you, disintegrates who you really are. How much more baggage can an innocent person carry? Condemning your self in every way, gives you distorted relief. What I did was not your fault. Your beliefs will not allow you to spread your wings and soar like your physical was designed for.”
I heard above my head a precious bird chirp, melodiously. I smiled at it when it popped his head out of its nest as tears trickled down my cheeks. “See, that little guy agrees with me.” My father added with a slight smile. “The bond between a father and daughter is the most precious gift that can be shared. I helped annihilate that love. You, my daughter experienced the absence of a father, childhood sexual abuse and never having a positive male influence in life. All of that can lead a young girl or woman to devastating destructive ways. With so much you have been through, you are still filled with love and compassion. You become distraught when you hear abuse of any kind, because you are a loving person. You are deserving of only good. Continuing to tell yourself lies is going against the grain of who you really are. When our ego is damaged, we want to lash out, but you have lashed out at yourself far more than someone who deserves to be corrected. So what that you have lashed out at others. How else would you identify the need to heal? Lashing out does not give you comfort. Those who love you recognize who you are, and those who do not, are the ones you discovered as deceitful and liars.”
He placed his arm around my shoulder and gently kissed my forehead as I wept uncontrollably. He hugged me with both arms and as he wept, our pain met. He whispered to me “I cannot tell you what to do. I can only ask. Please forgive yourself of the lies that have filled your head and purge your being of the beliefs you torment yourself with.” He no longer needed to ask me, as I was beginning to feel my self inflicted filth release.
Turning my head gently up with his finger tips, he said “I am so sorry I threw away the opportunity to have you in my physical life. You have given me and yourself the courage and understanding for continuing our soul’s evolution. I am so proud to know you are my daughter.”
Within the blink of an eye we were standing outside of the barber shop. He returned to the old worn out man with tattered clothes as rain poured down on both of us and began washing away the soot, from the sidewalk. He opened the door and we raced into the barber shop. The stranger in the corner of the room stood up and proceeded slowly toward us. My father turned to me, letting me know that I would be leaving shortly. Then said “Teacher, this is my daughter Elena. Thank you for allowing us to meet. Thank you Elena, for your transcending love.” We both stood there looking at each other. I stepped forward and embraced him with a tight hug. Whispering in my ear for the last time, I heard, “You must go now and begin a new. I have yet a lot of work to accomplish. Remember, you are a garden bursting into life. You are the reason, I love you.”
The teacher opened the door for me and escorted me down the street. We stopped at a subway entrance. I looked down the steps to see a crystal clear vision of a garden. To my amazement, the black abyss was gone and I looked back to say something. Half way down the street my father’s teacher stood facing me, no longer shrouded in a grey robe. He was a handsome young gentleman, with gentle smile and dressed all in white. His glowing gold tie fluttered gracefully in the cool comforting wind. He turned around and he was gone.
I fell asleep with a borrowed hatred for a man, who was what he was, and woke as a woman who is becoming the person she was designed to be.

“A Garden Bursting into Life” lyrics by musical artists, Snow Patrol, song, “Chasing Cars”
“The reason” lyrics by musical artist Hoobastank, song, “The Reason”

Mentor

I drove to my sister’s house with excitement the week before Christmas. I had been patiently counting down the days for my niece’s visit, which was torture for me. I don’t get to see her as much as I would like to during the year, so Christmas time is a time I truly cherish. It’s not unusual for us to stress like most people about buying the right gifts, preparing the traditional Christmas Eve dinner, creating time, and the list of other tasks that go on and on. What I do know is that with all of the challenges my family and I do face, the most important thing is that we are thankful for being all together.
I raced up the stairs to the guest room and opened the door. My sister was chatting with my niece as she was holding my great nephew born three months prior. My first introduction to him was when my niece was five months pregnant. I felt him kick inside her belly and teased my niece with all of my intensions to spoil him. Then the moment came and I cast my eyes upon him. Joy fluttered my body from head to toe. He was precious and tiny. His beautiful glistening eyes reflected love, innocence and a new beginning. I smiled along with him as the adults regressed and spoke in goofy baby talk. My sister handed him to me and I held him firmly in my arms. “It’s an honor to meet you, Lil guy,” I whispered and softly kissed his forehead. He reached out his hand and I allowed his fingers to clench just one of mine. It had been a very long time since I had seen and felt tiny match stick fingers. He was perfect and his baby smell was intoxicating. For a moment, I flashed back to when my niece was a baby and I held her in my arms. “How could this be?” I asked myself. I felt like I was in a dream. It didn’t take long before he began to squirm around and announced he was hungry. Off to his mother he went and soon became satisfied.
Okay, great aunt, how about holding my little guy for a few minutes, my niece asked of me. Back into my arms he arrived. I watched his eyes look around as I gently patted him on the back. I began to feel relaxed as he placed his head on my shoulder and caressed me with his powder soft skin. Not quite ready to enter his slumber he quietly watched me. I looked into his eyes and knew we had made our first connection. Slowly his body became tranquil, absent of any form of stress. His eyes drifted off to sleep and he pulled me into time and space. Slowly I drifted narrowly through a tunnel of clouds and faint images of family members, some of which I recognized and some I did not, leading me through light years of distance. I floated into the brilliant colors emanating from the gases and dust of the Eagle Nebula, the Pillars of Creation. Each of them stood tall in astronomical heights, yet I could see every detail in clear and precise vision. Interstellar gases and dust performed cosmic dances to evolve into the objects of our universe and building blocks of life as we know it. I sailed from one nebula to another, observing the Butterfly, Helix, Rosetta and finally the Orion nebula. Each nebula was uniquely spectacular, yet I was drawn to focus on Orion’s. I stared into the world of a wondrous stellar nursery. Then it began as I witnessed stars bursting and illuminating one by one and simultaneously. Transfixed and before me a star exploded with profound energy and countless beams of light in an array of colors that shot through the expansion of space. As each beam jetted from every angle, fragments of the nebula lit up with the same shades of color. It continued on and on, and then the beams decreased in length until there were none left. The star rumbled as gases bubbled in the size of oceans and solar winds roared, yet it levitated as light as a feather, in the balance act of space.
“This place looks familiar.” I told myself as I viewed my surroundings. I continued to walk along a small stream. The grass below my feet was emerald green and lush. The blades of grass were gentle and glittered with gold speckles with each passing step. I continued my walk along the stream listening to the water as it released subtle chimes in its flow. Flowers and trees painted the landscape. In the distance I could see children playing on objects. My curiosity steered me closer. As I approached, I could see it was a playground. It was one I had visited many times with my nieces and nephew when they were children. We referred to it as the “airplane park.” In the center of the slides, monkey bars, and swings stood a huge airplane structure. The last time I had seen it, the paint was dull and worn as of all the other playthings. The park had changed immensely. It no longer was next to Belleview Ave. It was amongst a vast land dotted by other amusement parks. Nothing was painted, but shined dazzling colors from the sunlight. Nor did the airplane seat only one child at a time, it could seat many. The children appeared in age from 5 to 10 years old and amazingly everyone got along well. I sat on the bench, bathing in the sunlight and stayed amused watching the children’s enjoyment. Across the court, I noticed one adult watching the children as I was. We caught sight of each and exchanged smiles. She appeared to me to be a monitor for all of the kids. As I continued to sit, I noticed a middle aged man with black hair and a lean build sit on a bench directly across from me. The monitor walked up to the man and leaned over conversing with him. When they had finished, the man nodded his head “yes.” The monitor walked away and I wracked my thoughts wondering “who’s this guy?” He stared back at me and I realized it was my brother-in-law from my sister’s first marriage. “Joe,” I said. He smiled back at me and with one nod of the head he confirmed my conclusion. His eyes turned away and he began to watch the boy in the cockpit of the plane. I decided not to get up and just observe. The monitor called for the young boy, spoke briefly with him and pointed to Joe. When the two met, Joe embraced the young boy with a hug. A warm comforting breeze swept through all of us as they united.
“I am your grandfather Joe,” Joe said as he gently caressed the side of the boy’s head. “I know, they asked me if I wanted to meet with you. I would tell you my name, but I don’t know what it is yet.” responded the little boy. “Well, how about I call you Lil G?” Joe asked. “Sure,” the boy answered. Joe continued to tell the boy he wanted to share some of his physical experience with him. I turned my head down not to intrude. I heard Joe whisper to me that it was ok if I listened and that he preferred it that way. I whispered back, “alright.”
“Lil G, you are about to begin a very precious physical experience and I was hoping that you would allow me to plant the seeds of what I want to express,” Joe asked gently. Lil G simply nodded his head for approval. “You are going to be my daughter’s son and you have chosen a wonderful person to be your mother.” Lil G interrupted with excitement, “You know my mother?” Joe smiled, radiating pride. “Oh yes,” he continued. “I know much about the family you are going to be with.” “Please tell me more about her,” Lil G pleaded. “Well she is beautiful. She has blue eyes which transcend her kindness and she is very smart and really funny. You will definitely have a lot of fun with her. I want you to take with you the assurance that you can trust her with anything. Your mother will love you and dedicate her life to you. She gives of herself to those she loves with all of her heart. She is remarkable, but all must be aware, if anyone does wrong to the ones she loves or even cares about, she will get her point across.” Lil G listened intently, and then asked “What about my dad?” “Ah, now he is a real smarty pants.” Joe and Lil G chuckled. “He is a good man and like I said very smart. He is going to love you greatly too. Your dad is a young at the life he has chosen. The commitments he has made in a very short time will test him and your mother. You are all learning together. It is really important that each of you educates each other,” Joe affirmed. “I’ll try Grandpop Joe.” Lil G answered looking perplexed. “There is no need for you to search for answers now, because when the time arrives you’ll receive an understanding.” Joe tried to give his grandson reassurance.
“Lil G, there were things that I did in my physical experience I want to share with you. If you find yourself doing the same things, then maybe my embedded words will give you the desire to change your ways for the better.” Joe began with sincerity in his heart. “Ok, I’ll do my best to remember,” Stated Lil G. “You won’t remember word for word, but you are allowed to take it with you so when you hear a little voice inside of you or a feeling arises that doesn’t feel good it can alert you to think things through. I ignored that voice and feeling and it didn’t serve me well or the ones that I loved either.” Joe stared out into the vastness recalling his physical experience. “You may find a person that you love or that you think you really love and when that occurs, it is one of the most wonderful feelings you will ever encounter. It also means that that person is your other half. Look into their eyes and love should be reflected back. You will know if it is or isn’t. The person may care about you, but if you don’t share each other’s love, passions, and goals it can be very difficult. Neither person is to believe they are more important than the other. They both are just as important.” Joe looked down at Lil G sitting beside him and continued. “Love is wonderful, but with love comes a sacrifice of love. A sacrifice of love serves no value if one sacrifices and is unhappy and the other takes the sacrifice for granted. A sacrifice of love should be appreciated and out of that comes respect. Nothing is perfect in the physical experience and that is why when you share your life with someone it is not about one person. It is about you and the person you love. There were many times I made things convenient for myself and did not give back and I lost the person I loved so dearly and hurt my children. It is true, she didn’t love me as much as I loved her, but I didn’t put my effort in. If I tried, maybe I could have made things better. They would not have been perfect, but it could have been a lot better,” Joe spoke sorrowful but continued. “It is not healthy to dismiss the interests and goals of the person. If you do not share the same interests and goals, then you have to ask yourself if you are willing to make changes or sacrifices and still be happy. Lil G, my desire for you and the one you love is to share and have pleasure for being in love.” Joe smiled at Lil G and put his arm around Lil G’s shoulder.
Joe paused for a moment and then placed Lil G on his lap and exclaimed, “I can tell you for certain, your life is going to be amazing. You have so many people who are going to love you there. There will be celebrations and laughter, challenges and guidance, compassion and understanding and I will be there when you call upon me and watching over you when you do not.”
Lil G rested his head on his grandfather’s shoulder and said, “I don’t want to leave you Grandpop Joe. I like it here with you. I think I understand what it means to be afraid. Can you come with me?” “Ah Lil G, it is not meant for me to return yet. You know, when the physical experience approaches their transition and it is made aware, fear arises because we think we are going into the unknown. That is not true it’s just that we have forgotten where we came from. You think you have fear, but it is uncertainty. You have seen your entire physical experience, but now you are beginning to forget it. The one thing you can be assured of is that we have abundant love here and in the physical.” Joe winked at his grandson and watched Lil G’s spirit guide approaching. “Your transition is about to take place Lil fella,” Joe whispered. Lil G stood in front of his grandfather and asked him with necessity, “No Wait! Since I am going to forget what you have told me, how will I know what to do?” Joe responded, “Every physical being is born with intuition. Do you remember when I said you will hear a quiet voice or have a feeling?” “Yes,” answered Lil G.
“That quiet voice or feeling is your intuition. What I explained to you will be stored in there. Listen to your voice and observe your feelings whether they are good or bad. This will assist you in many ways and I will always be with you, ok?” Lil G hugged his grandfather and said, “thank you Grandpop Joe, I love you.” Joe responded back, “Oh and I love you too!”
Lil G’s spirit guy placed his hand on his shoulder to guide him to the entrance. As they were advancing, the spirit guide leaned over to speak to Lil G. Immediately after what was spoken Lil G yelled out to his grandfather, “Grandpop Joe, my name is Gabriel!!” Joe smiled back with joy.
Gabriel and his spirit guide stood in front of a large orb that shimmered with the appearance of the physical realm. Before they stepped into it, Gabriel turned around to see his grandfather one last time before he would return again and began to evolve from an infant, to a child, then to a teen, young man, middle age man and senior. Every phase of his life appeared before Joe and I. He then turned around and entered into the orb.
Toniann stood over a simmering pot of soup she prepared for dinner. She stirred it slowly and gazed up at the clock to estimate what time her husband Ani would be arriving home. Grabbing the soup bowls, she placed them on the dining table and Ani walked in. “Hi babe,” he said and wrapped his arms around her as he did every night after work. He embraced her with a firm hug and Toniann leaned into his ear and with a smile said, “I’m pregnant.”